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[24 Sep 2005|09:57am] |
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mood |
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 3pm I await |
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music |
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tee&ess |
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( random poems )
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| a hauntingly perfect example of my daily life |
[16 Sep 2005|09:17am] |
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mood |
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 Dead again |
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Warning: Don't give a damn about spell checking. Too tired. I'm sure there are plently of typos, but you'll get over it. If you don't I'll scrape your eyeballs out with a rusty wire brush and replace them with rotting strawberry, you lame spelling nazi bastard.
So I got home at 1:30 this morning. The mulitple adderall I consumed the evening before had yet to wear off so I sat and continued a letter I'll be sending to my friend who's now a student in New York. I did that for about an hour and half until I forced myself into bed at 4am. I dozed off at about 4:45 and woke up, has I had planned to, at 6:45. My friend/neighbor Kevin and I were going to go together to sign up for some classes to prepare for the GED test and then I was going to finish cleaning out my old house as I have been promising to do for a month. After the cleaning I would sleep for as long as I could until Josie got out of school and fetched me. Kevin said he'd be awake all night and rest after we got signed up. The plans were solid, concrete, so flawless in my mind that I thought only two hours of sleep would suffice.
It's now 9:05 and Kevin is asleep. I have no way of getting to my old house or downtown, two places I must be. I also will probably not get to sneak in a nap prior to Josie's arrival and I promised her I would take no adderall today. So, basically.... it's not even noon and my day is shit. I'm tired enough to collapse onto the key board and so annoyed with my luck that I want to just say, 'fuck it.' Instead I try to make myself believe that this frozen 'rice with chicken and egg roll' meal, this TV dinner version of culture, is at least semi-healthy, the day will pass quickly and without further flaw and I will, somehow, accomplish my goals in time to keep the day's schedule on track. After that moment of optimisim and hope I wake up from my day dream and want to ram head first into the glass shower door.
I honestly try to get things done but my plans are always thwarted by something beyond my control, a forgetful person or someone who sees no value or committment in the word 'promise.' I have to get signed up for those classes in order to start my job on Monday. It's a must...also a must do today. I was SUPPOSED to start this Monday. I was going to go to sign up and 12 and and hang around until I had to go start my training at 4:30. My friend, Joe, was supposed to pick me up and take me. I offered gas money for this task and told him how very important it was that I get it done. That morning at 10:43 my cell phone rings and I am wide awake. After our standard greetings are exchanged Joe goes on to say, 'I really don't feel like moving. I'm too comfortable, sorry.'... So that day started off with me being pissed off as well. I'm still feeling bits of anger based on that lack of concern for my severe needs.
I just hate that I have to rely on others to do such important things. I try to get friends to help me and attempt to reward them somehow just so my sister doesn't have to waste any of her time before school or work to cart me around. I try to do something nice and instead I get screwed over and she gets angry as hell at me. I can't seem to get it right. I'm trying to start being responsible and helpful but I can't! Some great force wants me to feel like a sloth, a loser, a waste of trust. Damn, how much more of this will happen before I get something done? Do I have to make a sacrafice to some obscure god to get the slightest bit of help here?
I already don't get nearly enough rest. Every morning my shoulders and spine ache. If I sit in one position for too long it feels like my upper half has molded to fit that shape and began to harden. I have to stretch every few minutes which causes the aches to grow in size and intesity. So, only getting two hours worth of uneasy rest is just harming myself more. It takes a few hours after I start my day for my body to feel at least somewhat healthy. During that time it feels like every drug I've taken in the previous 48 hours all got together and decided they would weigh down my legs, forearms, and head. It's a burden to have to climp stairs or lift anything with more volume that a canned drink. The sun's rays are mircoscopic arrows aimed straight for my pupils and all movement must be neccesary. preplanned, prepared for, and is executed very slowly and roboticly without effort.
When I do have the chance to crawl into bed a a decent hour I can never sleep. I've got the next days committments and goals running through my mind and that day's events must be evaluated and judged. It's been so long since I've relaxed. I'm always around groups of people and we're always on the go. As of late I've been around the social drunkards during the evening and then we part only to meet up again whereever there is alcohol. The goal of most people around me is just to drink which... I'm kind of over. I literally do almost nothing of importance yet every morning I feel as if I've run across Texas. One am is the earliest I return to my apartment if I return that night at all, it takes at least two or three hours for me to feel tired and, without any effort, I wake up everyday around 9am. Repeat those steps...everyday.
It's pointless, redundant, painful and lame. I'm being so cruel to my body. I neglect my health even though I'm just beginning to get over a horrible, horrible sickness I had for over a month. Still, when I had coughing fits so bad that I would end up vomiting, I went out everynight. I'm so moronic.
Anyway, I'm cutting back a lot on just about everything that's become a constant in my life during this last month. I've already started drinking responsibly, got a job, will be getting my GED and I'm starting to find healthy outlets for my creative energy. I now need to stop taking so much adderall everyday, I may stop taking pills all together, I need to start paying my sister, save money and pretty much pretend to grow up. I won't actually grow up, of course, but I'll create the illusion that I'm a productive member of society. I got that 'I'm 18 and free, finally' shit out of my syestem so now I have to pull myself by the hair into reality and watch myself.
I totally need to start being more law abiding if I'm going to be around some of the people I have been recently. Last night our driver got so close to rear ending several people. I had a bottle of absinthe, random pills in a bottle with a razor a snorting device and I was speeding my ass off. Realizations are forced in such situations. Since I turned 18 I've had two VERY close calls calls involving the police. I was caught with stolen merchandise at the home of my friend who was on house arrest (for shoplifting oddly enough) the first time. His survalience officer caught us there, found my stolen shirt and called a police officer. The officer took my information, mirandised me and said he'd be sending in a report and I may or may not be getting a call that would inform me that there was a warrent out for my arrest. Had I been charged I would have a class d felony on my record.
The other time Steve, Josie and I got pulled over. Steve's a good boy so he was cool, but Josie and myself had just gotten pretty high no more than a half hour before. A k-9 unit showed up and sniffed out the car. Supposedly a little plate was found with resin on it. One cop said it was where I was sitting and another said it was in the back window. We were kept there with a k-9 unit and three flashing police cars for 30 minutes and told that next time we'd 'be caught with the dope on [us].' That pretty much sucked.
Now, I'm afraid to hang out at my friend Peter's much anymore because it's always stuffed to the brim with underage drinkers and some have pills or weed, plus absinthe is sold there. A lot of the new people who party there make me terrified the cops will be called. They have been, actually. Right after I left one morning neighbors called to complain about a chick who was screaming and running around being insane. People throw beer bottles off the balcony at four am, drink in the parking lot, hangout outside being loud... and cops have begun patroling campus a lot more lately. It's only a matter of time until someone goes to far and everyone there is fucked. I don't want to be around for that.
I miss my mellow meetings with close friends anyway. Just sitting around and talking. Those days were awesome and I want them back. Constant partying is just idiotic to me. I don't want to watch drunks stumble around everynight or have loud music constantly keeping me from conversing with those around me. Also, parties are supposed to me a once in a while thing. Like a little fun after a week of work or a reward. If you do it every night you take away the value or joy you get from such events.
So.... yeah, changing.
Tonight I'm relaxing. Josie and I have a box of wine and a litteraly empty house to ourselves so once the day's goals have been reached I'm just switching into lazy mode and hanging out with her. That's my reward. Ah, I can't wait.
Kevin's calling me.....
Tomorrow or whenever I'm home again I'll make an update about the movie series Sam, Sammy and I are planning out. Fucking awesome, man. Okay, I've wasted too much time but I figured it was time for an actual update in this thing that used to be the recipiant of so much of my time and energy. No one reads it anymore but I still have that motherly urge to attend to it at times.
Okay, wake up, make sister buy my coffee, fucking work fast so I can pass out until Josie gets me. Plan plan plan.
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[14 Sep 2005|02:51pm] |
So...I've found a new love
Sometimes she's citrus
Sometimes a greaser's girl
She trickles down my throat
Keeps me awake all night
Like a good woman should
She starves me but I can't tell
I'm focused on exposing my soul
On those 29 pages
So slippery
Thin blue lines try to hold my words
But still they're chaotic and falling
Twisting as if reality has been
Altered
But that's just me and my gift to them
My new love knows my heart is tattered
She tries to sew it, tape it, paste it
Her hands reaching past my vocal cords
Her powdery limbs leave disease behind
I spent two days vomiting
Into commercial rebellion
She comes around again
Again
I'm her whore
All night I use her
But my mind is elsewhere
On one of three illusions
All so beautiful and deadly
I know they want my blood
So I plunge my hand into my chest
And dig out my fist sized metaphor
I drop it so that it may rest
Beside my tick mark soul
It splatters over all of my paper coffins
All 29 resting places
My new lover sees my effort
To give all that I can
She threatens to flee
So I cut another of her limbs
Into four triangles and grind it
An easily inhaled mistress
She becomes
She's silent now and allowing
My gifts to fly
One to the mecca
One to no where
And one to the walker's land
None will change my life, I know
However, they show why I allow
All of my new lovers,
Liquid or powder
Plant or Metal,
To take a part of me
Each time they go
Eventually one
Or all
Will destroy me
Leaving nothing left for for those
Cruel
Poison
Vindictive
Stunning
Deadly
Beautiful
Needed
Illusions
My new lovers
Though they come and go
Protect me from my sirens.
----------------------------------------------------------
13-teaching
10-elaborating
6-admitting
___________
29-all I am was given and I'll remain sore and worn,
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[07 Sep 2005|11:59am] |
I am bisexual or homosexual.
I've consumed alcohol.
I've run away from home.
I have lied to my parents about where I am.
I don't like Bush because he is dumb.
I don't like Bush with my own reasons to back it up.
I am for Bush.
I listen to political music.
I collect comic books.
I am shorter than 5'5.
I think I'm ugly.
I shut others out when I'm depressed.
I open up to others easily.
I am keeping a secret from the world.
I watch the news.
I own over 5 rap CDs.
I own an iPod or MP3 player.
I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
I own something from Hot Topic.
I own something from Pac Sun.
I own something from The Gap.
I own something I got on e-bay.
I love Disney Movies.
I am a sucker for hair/eyes.
I don't kill bugs.
I curse regularly.
I paid for that cell phone ring.
I am a sports fanatic.
I have "x"s in my screen name.
I've slipped out an "lol" in a real conversation.
I love Spam.
I bake well.
I would wear pajamas to school.
I own something from Abercrombie.
I have a job.
I love Martha Stewart.
I am in love with love.
I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
I am self conscious.
I like to laugh.
I smoke a pack a day.
I liked Perks of Being a Wallflower.
I liked Go Ask Alice.
I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
I can't swallow pills.
I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
I eat fast food weekly.
I have many scars.
I believe in ghosts.
I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
I am really ticklish.
I see a therapist.
I take anti-depressants.
I love white chocolate.
I bite my nails.
I am comfortable with being me.
I play video games.
I'm single
I'm in a relationship.
I'm married.
Other
Gotten lost in your city.
Saw a shooting star.
Wished on a shooting star.
Saw a meteor shower.
I had a serious surgery.
Gone out in public in your pajamas.
I have kissed a stranger.
Hugged a stranger.
Been in a fist fight.
Been arrested.
Laughed and had milk or another drink come out of your nose.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
Made out in an elevator.
Swore at your parents.
Kicked a guy where it hurts.
Been close to love.
Been to a casino.
Been skydiving.
Broken a bone.
Skipped school.
Played spin the bottle.
Gotten stitches.
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
Bitten someone.
Been to Niagara Falls.
Gotten the chicken pox.
Kissed a member of the same sex.
Crashed into a friend's car.
Been to Japan.
Ridden in a taxi.
Shoplifted.
Been fired.
Ever had a crush on someone of the same sex.
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
Stole something from your job.
Gone on a blind date.
Had a crush on a teacher.
Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
Been to Europe.
Slept with a co-worker.
Been married.
Gotten divorced.
Had children.
Been to Africa.
Driven over 400 miles in one day.
Been to Canada.
Been to Mexico.
Been on a plane.
Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Thrown up in a bar.
Eaten sushi.
Been snowboarding.
Been skiing.
Met someone in person from the internet.
Been to a moto cross show.
Lost a child.
Gone to college.
Graduated college.
Done hard drugs.
Had someone cheat on you.
Miss someone right now.
Taken painkillers when you didn't need them.
Smoked weed.
Snorted cocaine.
Ate shrooms.
Inhailed Nitrous.
Been in love.
Cheated in a relationship.
Woke up crying.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Peed from laughing.
Had sex.
Had sex in a car.
Had sex in public.
Had sex in the shower.
Had sex in a sibling's bed.
Had sex in a parent's bed.
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[31 Aug 2005|05:21pm] |
Instructions:
Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play!
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 20(35 was a little much) songs that play!
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from!
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly!
( here we go )
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[29 Aug 2005|02:17pm] |
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mood |
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 I do it for the joy it brings |
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music |
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Joyful Girl-Ani Difranco |
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So....I'm so damn retarded. Can't make up my mind. Constant state of confusion. I think this odd pain in my heart is both literal and metaphorical. I know what I should do but I also know I won't do it. I can't. Somethings you just need in your life. However much pain you feel is instantly negated when they smile at you. The strange thing about the entire situation is that at this point I don't think I want it to go any further. I just want.... fuck I don't know, man. There's too much going on right now to worry about petty soap opera bullshit.
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[28 Aug 2005|04:01pm] |
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So... I'm pretty much done putting my heart on the line when it will only collect dust. I'm over that shit. When we're alone she makes me feel important and beautiful yet she's rude to me in front of others. Fuck that. I don't deserve to be treated that way.
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[26 Aug 2005|03:34pm] |
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mood |
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 queen of apathy |
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music |
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Jump, little children - Cathedrals |
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I've not died.
I have learned in the past 24 hours:
1. Not to mix friendship and business
2. Not to drink a whole shot of whiskey (i'm by no means a whiskey girl)
3. Always have a back up plan for getting home
4. Drunk college kids are lost
5. Dreaming of romance is futile
6. Always have an eyeliner pencil sharpener
7. People are not always who you think they are or want them to be
I have decided to stop drinking as much as I have been. I no longer enjoy the feeling of being wasted off my ass and having to cling to walls to keep my balance. Though I've been called an adorable drunk, I find it rather sad. So I'm cutting back on my partying and all that good shit for a while. It's just become redundant and petty. I SHALL OVERCOME! I guess I realized that I was both running away from problems and turning into people I despise... two things that pretty much make my want to change everything about myself. So I shall.
It has still not sunk in that my mother is gone. Living in another country. I've never had something so epic as an ocean keeping me from some one I love. I feel homesick when I look at the pictures she sends me of Wales and Birmingham though I've never had the pleasure of seeing such places. I wish I were a gypsy. I want no binds to any place. Damn it, I dream.
I can't believe that everything that my life revolved around last year has changed. The people I spent all of my time with are gone, the things that made me happy have lost their appeal, and I'm pretty much a different person. It's funny how quickly things can change. No matter how important something is to you it can fade. Everything in temporary. I feel like I've aged years in the last three months. Very few things have stayed constant in my life and it's still evolving. It's somewhat scary really.
Okay... yeah.
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[02 Aug 2005|01:24am] |
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For some reason I cannot dedicate myself to any emotion. I thought I knew what I wanted but now the thought of that scares the hell out of me. Maybe I just thought I wanted it because every chick my age is expected to be in a relationship or at least pine over someone. I realize now that I liked things a lot better the way they were a few days ago. I'm not at all ready for committment and the fact that I thought I was may have scared her away. Complete one eighty in a matter of seventy two hours, man. Oh, well. Everything works itself out. Whatever happens happens.
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[02 Aug 2005|12:32am] |
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mood |
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 mental coma |
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music |
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Rasputina, Eisley |
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1. What time is it? 12:32
2. Name: Amanda
3. Nickname(s): Manda, Shmanda, Shmanda McFace, Manda Nohpants
4. fav. type of food?: the kind that doesn't kill you
5. Single or taken?: Single
6. Chinese zodiac: Rabbit
7. Hair color: dyed black
8. Eye color: it varies
9. Height: 5'4"
10. Shoe size: 9
11. Glasses, contacts or neither?: glasses
13. Piercing/tattoos?: four tattoos
14. Birthplace: South Carolina
15. Current residence: Lafayette, Indiana
16. Siblings: Older sister
******HAVE YOU EVER******
17. Gone skinny dipping?: no
18. Skipped school?: yeah
19. Bungee jumped?: no, but I'd like to
20. Kissed someone not related to you?: yeah
21. Kissed someone of the same sex not related to you?: yes
22. Kiss more than two people in one day: yes
23. Kissed?: yes, isn't this answer implied by the above answers?
23 1/2. kiss, kissy kiss kiss?: ...dude, fuck whoever wrote that
24. TP'd someone's house? yes
25. Won something?: yes
26. Asked someone out?: not really
27. Been rejected?: mmhmm
28. Been in love?: Nope
29. Been to a funeral?: yes
30. Used a lighter?: yes
31. Been on stage?: yes
******FAVORITE******
32. Food: it varies
33. ice cream flavor: don't have one
34. School subject(s): Art and Social Studies courses
35. Breakfast cereal: apple jacks... because I had some this morning and I hadn't eaten cereal in a long ass time
36. Number(s): 24
37. Book(s): a few. The list is ever-growing
38. Movie(s): can't narrow it down
39. Candy: don't have one
40. Soda: any kind. I mainly drink water so 'soda' is a random treat
41. Color(s): Red, crimson, orange, earth tones.
42. Vacation spot: anywhere I can see the stars
43. Sport to watch on tv: none
44. Sport to play: none
45.Bands/musicians: way too many. Look at my Myspace if you really want to know
46. Letter(s): L
47. Fast food restaraunt: don't have one
48. Cartoon Character: Daria
49. Holiday: halloween
50. Name for a boy: i don't know
51. Name for a girl: I don't know
*****DO YOU PREFER******
52. Chocolate or vanilla?: vanilla
53. Boys or girls?: girls
54. Long relationships or one night stands?: neither
55. Dogs or cats?:cats, man
56. Scary movies or comedies?: gore
57. Silver or gold?: Silver. Gold is ugly
58. Croutons or bacon bits?: both
******THINGS THAT COME TO MIND******
59. Doctor: no
60. Hedgehog: boom
61. School: 50/50
62. Grass: legalize it
63. Cow: you
64. Canada: hat
65. Mouse: ...canada
66. Hand: stab
******THE PAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU******
67. Watched a movie?: yes
68. Talked on the phone?: yes
69. Cried?: Nope
70. Threw up?: no
71. Drank a glass of water? yes
72. gone to the bathroom?: yes
73. Read a book or magazine?: yes
74. Watched tv?: not really
75. Looked in the mirror?: yes
76. Taken a shower?: yes
77. Taken a picture?: yes
78. Listened to music?: yes
79. Hugged or kissed someone?: yes
80. Done your hw?: No
81. Told someone you loved them?: no
***DO YOU BELIEVE IN....******
82. Heaven?: no
83. Aliens?: not in the sense you may be thinking. It's very pompous to think we are the only 'intelligent' life in the universe.
84. Fun for the entire family? the 'entire family' is never having fun. There's always a downer
85. Freedom of speech?: fuck yeah. I may not agree with what you say but scream it from the roof tops if you wish.
86. Love?: no
87. Magic?: some forms
*******SOME RANDOM STUFF******
88. Last movie you saw in theatres?: Devil's rejects.
89. Are you listening to music right now?: Eisley, Rasputina
90. What color shirt are you wearing?: black.
91. Do you like your middle name?: yeah
92. What is the best thing since sliced bread?: Queen
93. What color is your backpack?: bright pink
94. What time is it now?: 1:00
95. Any recent additions to the family? no
96. do you think you have a best friend?: a couple
97. what is your favorite tv series?: N/A
98. what kind of animal would you be if you could be?: cat. Any kind of cat
99. who was the last person you were on the phone with?: Kevin or Sam
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[30 Jul 2005|11:06pm] |
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mood |
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 noon optimist |
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music |
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Splashdown/Tegan and Sara |
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( NEW TATTOOS! )
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[25 Jul 2005|03:02pm] |
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mood |
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 Implications, man |
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music |
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call me alice- Rasputina |
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My first $20 dollars spent as an adult went to cigarettes and rum. How... cliche.
I had an awesome little friend gathering on Saturday (the day prior to my birthday) with some of my favorite people. I quite enjoyed that night.
I'm really not digging this whole infatuation thing....
Wow, I'm lame and have nothing to say.
'how does it feel to be 18?'
'..same as it felt being 17.'
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[19 Jul 2005|02:13pm] |
So about that updating thing..... yeeeeeeeah.
Not much to say really. I'll do this at a later date when life has slowed down a bit and I can really analyze it.
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[10 Jul 2005|09:50pm] |
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I HAVE THE INTERNET AGAIN!
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[24 Jun 2005|08:05am] |
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So. I slept on a couch for a week. I went to help paint my friend's appartment and just decided I reeeally needed to not be home for, er, 8(?) days. Yeah.
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| random spurts of insomnia |
[15 Jun 2005|04:16am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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India Arie |
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Why can't I sleep? Hmm? What is it about me that says, 'oh no, rest. No need for you here. Carry on, my wayward son' and why does it say it? I've gotten one hours sleep in the past 32 hours and I can't seem to get tired. I hate my... body. Also, I can't go to sleep because if I do I'll be passed out until around 8 or 9 tonight and I gots shit ta do. I should probably ingest some caffeine,. Mmhmm.
damn you, body. Damn you.
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vhermanniv's journal
